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Lifes Like That: New Year’s Resolutions

Sarah Carson
for Spotlight

Initially I had no intention of making any New Year’s resolutions. I mean, they’re so popular to make – but not so popular to keep, so what’s the point, right? Everyone has room for improvement, however, and so after some thought, I decided to let myself get swept away in the spirit of making some positive changes for 2010.

I resolve to squash any tendency to excessively pluck, shave, exfoliate and deodorize in the hopes that a hot date is on the horizon.

I resolve to stop waving my hanging arm fat at myself in the mirror with disgust. Since we’ll be spending the next 60 years or so together, I resolve to name it instead. Something cute.

I resolve to be a calmer and generally nicer person while driving. I will not flip the bird, or call out foul language when some idiot jerk-off cuts me off in the middle of the !*#?!!.....ok, maybe scratch that one.

I resolve to accept that I have morphed into the parent that I swore I’d never be. “Because” is a perfectly reasonable answer to a child’s incessant question “Why?” and “When I was your age…” is a great conversation starter to teach an important life lesson.

I resolve to not mentally wring the neck of the young WalMart staff, who, when faced with a question of where something might be, responds with a vacant look and a shrug. I will not ask them when they had their lobotomy.

I resolve to stop “letting one rip” and then blaming it on the children when in public or at home in mixed company. The dogs, however, are perfectly reasonable scapegoats.

I resolve to stop beating myself up over my lack of flexibility compared to the yoga guru on my exercise video. I will exercise to a new mantra; “I am a person, not a pretzel”. I will chant with gusto.

I resolve to stop sending the liquor store staff telepathic messages to please, please, please i.d me just this one last time.

And last but not least, when caught in a group of young, beautiful 20 year olds, I resolve to stop hoping that other people on the street might actually mistake me for one of them.