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Religious: Words of comfort or condemnation?
Minister Sharon McRann
for South Peace News
Harold Kushner, who wrote the book, ‘When Bad Things Happen to Good People’, suggests that, “People try to make sense of the world’s suffering by assuming that we deserve what we get, that somehow our misfortunes come as punishment for our sins.”
He says when misfortune or heartbreak occurs; even those with little or no religious beliefs will go back to the deep-seated idea that God punishes people for their wrongdoing.
People become angry with God but are afraid to voice their concerns in case “God” punishes them again. When life hurts, these types of religious beliefs only make them feel worse and they begin to blame themselves, to feel guilty when there is no basis for guilt; and some may hate God and themselves.
People seem to need to have a reason why things happen and often we hear the rationalization that God has “His” reasons for making this happen to them. The sad result of this kind of thinking is that it causes us to wonder how we can ask God to cure us or to help us, if God causes our suffering or wants us to suffer.
Comments such as, “everything happens for a reason” or God must have had a better plan, or well, now he/she is in a better place, are not helpful to those who have just lost a loved one, or who are grieving the loss of a dream.
Kushner suggests that the words, “Everything happens for a purpose” are not helpful either.
He says, “This statement is not meant to help the other person but to defend God by using words and ideas to transform bad into good and pain into privilege.”
Other statements people throw around in the face of another person’s tragedy are, ‘God’ never sends us more than we can handle. God only let this happen to you because “he” knows you are strong enough to handle it.”
These words, which are meant to be a comfort, really are not comforting at all. They are meant to suggest we can handle our difficulties, but they also bring forth the questions, “Why does God send us suffering at all?”
Are we being tested through tragedy?
Suggestions such as, “Thank God, for this is not a time for sadness or tears, it’s a time for rejoicing because now he/she is in a better place, where there is no sin or pain.”
We try to convince ourselves our pain is not real. . .that what has happened is not really bad. We deny our grief and tell ourselves it’s selfish to cry and be sad that our child is no longer with us but with God instead.
Each of these seemingly innocent statements and ideas leave us hating ourselves for deserving such a fate, or hating God for causing pain we didn’t deserve. We conclude God is the cause of our suffering. Is it for our own good? Is it a punishment we deserve? Doesn’t God care what happens to us?
I would like to suggest God does not want us to suffer. God does not cause our suffering! But, God does weep with us. God feels our hurt and our pain and God is there as our comfort and our strength if we but ask.
God doesn’t want us to deny our feelings of hurt and disappointment; of grief and of loss. God gives us hope and love and a sense of peace through the many expressions of God’s love. . .through the beauty of creation, the comfort of pets, family and friends.
Karold Kushner suggests that, “Maybe God does not cause our suffering.
Maybe it happens for some reason other than the will of God.
Could it be that God stands ready to help us cope with our tragedies if we could get beyond these feelings of guilt and anger that separate us from “Him?”
Could it be that, “How could God do this to me?” is really the wrong question for us to ask?
There is a prayer that says, “As I stumble through this life, help me to create more laughter than tears, dispense more happiness than gloom, spread more cheer than despair. . .”
This, I believe, is how God wants us to live, not with guilt, despair and gloom but with joy; and faith in the God who brought us into this world and directed us to love and be loved, to try and try again to be Christ’s body in this world.
Let us offer words of comfort, encouragement and love and forget the words that condemn and give advice or pat answers.
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